Saturday, March 13, 2010

Rape & Sex Education, A Two-Part Rant

So, yesterday, at lunch, the women I work with were discussing their families. I generally like these discussions, since they so rarely veer off into political speak or declarations about how Fox News is just so unbiased. They're a bit on the boring side, but they also make my coworkers happy. And I'd rather have a happy coworker when I need help than the opposite. But every once in a while, a subject comes up that veers us close to the third rail of office discussion.

Yesterday was one of those days. A woman's niece, age 12, was staying after school to finish a test, and was left alone for a few minutes with two boys in her class - also age 12. One of the boys then said, "Let's rape _____". The girl asked the boy why he wanted babies (which seemed like an odd reaction to me, but wevs), and then told her mother after she got home.

Here is the first part of my rant. Everyone at lunch agreed that this was inappropriate. Everyone agreed that the mother, my coworker's sister, should report the incident to the principal. And I was one of those agreeing.

But at the same time, the incident was profoundly disturbing to me. Part of it is because in recent months, a 12 year old girl was raped, by a fourteen year old, and that rape was not seen as a serious matter by school officials. It was also because I happened to sit across from a jerk of an 8th grader at lunch, and his continuous barrage of sexual-type comments were not taken seriously by my school officials, up until I hit him with his own lunch tray. And then I was told "boys will be boys" (yes, seriously, that exact phrase was used). It is because when I was in high school, my regulation tank top was deemed as being "distracting and exciting to the boys" by my gym teacher. And it was only because I have a father who is actually pretty damn scary when he's pissed that I got an apology for that. In other words, we live in a world, even us in the liberaler states in the Union, where schools like to protect their own asses, and where the culture of boys will be boys and girls have to endure sexual comments doesn't stop at the doors of an educational facility.

It is terrible that my coworker's 12 year old niece was threatened (jokingly or not) with rape. On an individual level, it is horrible. Her mother should report the incident to the principal, to the teacher, and maybe calling up the boy's parent(s)/guardian(s) and telling them what their son said. But on a more meta and less micro level, shouldn't we be focusing part of our attention on why this statement could and is casually uttered? I know kids and teenagers and young adults say shocking and controversial things, sometimes in order to seem more sophisticated, sometimes to lash out, and sometimes simply to be seen as shocking and controversial. I'm Facebook friends with a large portion of my sisters' high school, and they have taken to FormSpring like ducks to water, so I know. Trust me. And that could segue into a post about how being gay (or bisexual, or assumed to be gay) is still ZOMG, the WORST thing to be EVER in high school, but I'll just restrain myself. The thing is, something must make it seem like it is okay for this 12 year old to talk about raping his classmate, and it isn't something that affects just this 12 year old. And we should prevent individual 12 year olds from saying such things, but shouldn't we impress upon everyone that rape isn't, actually, something to casually throw around? That it is, actually, a serious offense? That it isn't, actually, something that should be used as a threat, fake or not, faux-funny or not?

But instead, we switched over to sex education, where the second part of my rant comes in.

Mother to the 12 year old girl decided that her daughter's response to a rape threat should probably not be, "Why do you want babies?" So, she sat said daughter down for a sex talk. And talked about how much sex hurt. Always. And about how sex was bad, how sex was unpleasant, and how if you kissed someone, you were kissing every single person he ever kissed (being gay really isn't seen as an option in that house).

First my sister's reaction to the kissing line: "I would have said, 'Well, then I guess I've kissed a lot of people'". Which was, especially if you know her, hilarious.

Secondly, I understand the impetus to discuss sex and what sex is when your daughter is sheltered at age 12. I don't understand the impetus to discuss sex and not touch upon what rape is, why it is a horrible thing to say to someone. It seems that if your sex talk is happening because a kid in your daughter's class talked about raping your daughter, some discussion about rape would be in there. But, no, apparently not.

Third, though, is this: if you decide to have a discussion with your twelve year old about sex because you feel that she is sheltered and needs to have some understanding of it, what the fuck does telling her lies about sex do for her? Seriously now. And here is the crux of the post. As much as it isn't an aberration for a 12 year old boy to feel like joking about rape is acceptable, it is also not aberrant for people to not actually have solid, true information about sex. What benefit is gained from telling a 12 year old girl that sex always hurts, that sex is bad, that sexual contact is something to be avoided? None.

I'm not suggesting that parents should begin telling their children that sex is wonderful, is the best thing ever, and you should totes be open to it. What I am suggesting is that misinformation about sex is troubling, that painting sex as bad or dirty or a necessary evil is problematic, and that telling little girls that sex hurts always is wrong. Morally as well as factually.

This isn't just a problem for this specific 12 year old. This is a problem for all of the twelve year olds who do have parents who aren't open and honest with them, who go to schools where the answer to any sex question is "don't".

And that brings us to this question: is the problem teenagers having sex, or is the problem teenagers having sex irresponsibly?

I would prefer to think of my 17 year old sisters as 5 years old for the rest of their lives. I would prefer to not think about their sexual predilections or habits. But what I want is for them to have the information, to know about sex, to not feel shamed for having it or wanting it. I want them to know about contraception, and also more of the fun stuff. I want them to feel comfortable asking questions, and for them to have the reasonable expectation of honest answers. And I want that for their friends, and their friends' friends. I want sex to not be a mystery to them, not something their parents squick away from discussing, and their school refuses to touch. And I want that for my coworker's niece as well. I want sex education to contain some education about sex. And I don't think that's too much to ask.

9 comments:

Emily said...

Oh, boy. You touched on so many things here.

First of all, sex education in this country sucks, big time. At 12 kids probably have some idea how babies are made from sex ed, but overall, I remember a lot of mystery for a lot of years in that department. My parents barely mentioned it, and I just put pieces of information I overheard at school together until I finally got it.

Not ideal.

Second of all, the discussions that some people have around rape are totally warped. I've heard some fucked up things in my day, from grown up, educated adults. Rape is still a victim-blamed crime, people don't really know how to talk about it, and most just want to ignore it. The "boys will be boys" tolerance starts young, and lasts forever.

I had a no tank top dress code in my high school, too. No one really paid attention to it, because it was hot as hell in the summer, but prohibiting them because they "excite the boys," is, essentially, victim blaming.

The clothes argument comes up all the time when sexual harassment/assault occurs. When will it stop? Will there ever be a time when people just fucking get it already?

Ugh. Now I'm ranting. Anyway, good post. I'm glad you're back from your blog-hiatus.

petpluto said...

First of all, sex education in this country sucks, big time.

Yeah, I really hate that. I also hate the whole idea that sex education should automatically be used to try and delay sexual activity. I'm not saying that all of the high schoolers in the land should be having sex, but the idea that teens having sex will bring about the end of the world and so we shouldn't give them information for how to navigate that sexual world is just total bull. Teens have had sex for centuries. Teens will continue having sex. Let's teach them to be as respectful and sex-positive (and that includes "don't until you're ready; don't if you made a commitment to yourself to wait until marriage) instead of teaching them nada.

prohibiting them because they "excite the boys," is, essentially, victim blaming.

Yeah, that was a major part of my father's rant in my principal's office, wherein he demanded to see the part of the handbook that dictated how boys should dress to avoid sexually exciting the girls. Then he went on a semi-rant about pants hanging off of boys' butts and the complete exposure of boxers, and how THAT wasn't considered sexual by the school, but me and my 3 inch strap scoop neck tank top was.

The clothes argument comes up all the time when sexual harassment/assault occurs. When will it stop? Will there ever be a time when people just fucking get it already?

Oh, I know! I now read The Sexist blog religiously, and the discussion about short skirts had quite a few comments being like, "short skirts are sexually alluring". Well, sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. And if it isn't meant to be alluring for you personally and if you haven't gotten the okay for some sex to go down from the person in said skirt, then you've just raped someone. Because just because a girl may want to have sex doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you.

That's what gets me. The complete lack of acceptance that girls who want sex can be discerning about who their sexual partners are. It's like, "She's in a skirt/tank top! She obvs totes wants to have sex with EVERYONE!!!!11!!!1!" is somehow a reasonable defense!

I'm glad you're back from your blog-hiatus.

Thanks!

John said...

Jeez, both of those anecdotes are frightening and unconscionable.

Second one first: Why would you lie to your kid about sex? If they find out that one part of what you told them is a lie, they'll assume that everything you told them is lies and that (whoever is telling them otherwise) must be telling the truth. That's backfire to the point of irony.

First one second: Good Lord, who raises people like this? I know I've made rape jokes in the past (though mine were patently absurd, involved imaginary beings, and targeted both sexes indiscriminately) but if I ever heard someone I'm responsible for joke about actually raping someone, I'd break out the thumb screws and teach them a lesson in basic human decency! Teenagers really should be forced to experience some of the horrible situations that the rest of the world has to deal with on a daily basis, just so they can get enough perspective to realize that A) the world does not revolve around them, and B) that high school drama matters NOT AT ALL in the grand scheme of things, and C) That most people have far worse lives than they do. I know that if I could shunt my consciousness back in time to when I was 16 (perhaps via some sort of hot tub time machine) I wouldn't take anything anywhere near as seriously (except my grades, which I would take MORE seriously.)

Bottom line: "Boys will be rapists" is a bull$#!^ argument and I do not support it.

petpluto said...

Why would you lie to your kid about sex?

OMG, right?! I was APPALLED!!! Especially since all of the other mothers in the place took to this plan like it was the greatest thing ever and started revisiting what they told THEIR daughters about sex - "I'll be able to tell from the way you walk" was probably my favorite one in regard to that.

But, what's even more frightening, is that she was lying to her child about sex even though the reason for the sex talk was that she felt her child was too sheltered! What kind of mental leap must you take to make lying about sex the appropriate response?! Like, I could see where a mother would like about sex if her kid asked her out of the blue about it - I can see it, even though I don't condone it. But if you're the one who planned on giving the sex talk cuz your daughter doesn't know anything, how does lying help?!

Ahem. Sorry. Rant of epic proportions going down there.

if I ever heard someone I'm responsible for joke about actually raping someone, I'd break out the thumb screws and teach them a lesson in basic human decency!

I KNOW!!!!

I know that if I could shunt my consciousness back in time to when I was 16 (perhaps via some sort of hot tub time machine) I wouldn't take anything anywhere near as seriously (except my grades, which I would take MORE seriously.)

I often wonder what my life would be like if I could get some sort of cosmic do over... I don't know if I could make myself take grades more seriously, but I'd sure as hell try. I'd also not pull an all-nighter right before the SATs...

MediaMaven said...

So much to say!!

Just curious, was the boy in question talking about your coworker’s sister’s daughter, or a different girl in the school? Either way, not cool, but both have different implications.

Your eighth grade story reminded me of something similar. My senior year of high school, I planned out my lunch table — scoped out the best location, strategized about placement — and picked one that was close to the bathrooms, food, and to one particular entrance. Unfortunately, by the time I got there on the first day, most of the table was taken up by ninth grade goons. They were huge, extremely intimidating, the type of boys who weren’t going to make to senior year. And they ruthlessly assaulted my friend and I during our entire lunch break. I was humiliated and very angry, and this issue drove a wrench between my friend and I. It was my senior year, and I was not going to let some ninth grade losers push me to another table! We, or at least I, tried to stick it out for a few days, but it was really unbearable. I unfortunately do not remember if I even brought this up with teachers, or if I did anything about it other than stand my guard for as long as I could. I just remember fighting mightily with my friend over this, and how completely dejected, humiliated, and upset with myself I was for giving in, for letting them win. I wish I had hit them with a lunch tray.

If you were hit with that tank top nonsense, then there had to be plenty of others—please. Your father’s rant is perfectly in line. Dress code issues were huge in my school (as were bathroom rights—these were issues we wrote about several times in the newspaper, and the section in our handbook was burned in my brain), but they remain tricky to enforce and never fair, no matter what’s done.

MediaMaven said...

(Continued)

Does anyone remember rape being discussed in sex ed? Because I do not. I remember writing a research paper on Chlamydia, and terrified of the looks I was going to get in the library when I asked to find the section on STDs. I already had enough of them, whenever I took out a magazine that had a picture of a half-naked woman on the cover. (It’s not my fault that Shania Twain is only wearing a sheet!) It’s news incidents like the assaults in California that should be discussed in class, alongside rape and sexual assault, so that students understand what’s not acceptable, so that a culture of accountability and not victim-blaming arises.

There are many problems with the talk that woman had with her daughter, many of which you, John, and Emily said. Most 12 year olds are already terrified of sex, since they usually are surrounded by misinformation, and they have enough things to deal with without having to “know” that sex is painful and dangerous. My first impression was that the mom really believed this, which is why she was telling her daughter this, a whole ‘nother problem. But it seems that a smart 12 year old would counter this argument anyway, as soon as she saw a make-out scene on TV or hey, read Twilight. And without a discussion of rape, actually defining it (since the girl already knew it had to do with sex), the connection between sex and the wrongness of the comment completely falls apart, as you noted.

I was a camp counselor for many years, and even before I officially became a counselor, I had younger kids asking me sex questions. I never felt comfortable answering them because I didn’t know where their parents stood, and one thing I didn’t want was for the parents to come marching to me the next day lashing out that I told them something inappropriate, wrong, or that I had no business talking about these issues with kids. I tried as best I could to be vague but honest, usually referring them to their parents for specifics. But I was very much left with the fact that kids were woefully undereducated about these things, yet were seeing things everywhere (try to explain why there are dirty condoms in the park!).

I'll join you guys in the time machine. So many things in life I'd like to redo...I'd just have to make myself some notes or signs (P.S. Watch Buffy! It will pay off in the future!)

And yay!! Welcome back!

petpluto said...

was the boy in question talking about your coworker’s sister’s daughter, or a different girl in the school?

Sorry, that could have been clearer. He was threatening to rape my coworker's niece, because the teacher had just stepped out of the room.

Does anyone remember rape being discussed in sex ed? Because I do not.

My sex ed was "don't do it. No, seriously, don't". So, no. We did watch And The Band Played On, which I thought was odd, but nothing rape related. We got that info where you're supposed to - from Lifetime.

MediaMaven said...

We watched a lot of Lifetime movies, too. Also bad movies like Enough (shudder). But I also remember watching My Best Friend's Wedding (which everyone loved) and 28 Days (the Sandra Bullock movie in which she's in AA), which were both very good. At least the latter was relevant to topics discussed in health.

petpluto said...

We watched a lot of Lifetime movies, too. Also bad movies like Enough (shudder). But I also remember watching My Best Friend's Wedding (which everyone loved) and 28 Days (the Sandra Bullock movie in which she's in AA)

Oh, I meant, on our own. I had one girl in my English class who felt that if it were in a Lifetime movie, it was the gospel truth. We didn't get along very well after I told her that (a) while some movies were based on real situations, a lot of it was dramatized, and (b) I felt that Lifetime made a lot of money off of making women afraid. This wasn't out of the blue, she ASKED me. And then, she friended me on Facebook about a year ago. Which I found odd, considering her hatred of me based on my lack of appreciation for Lifetime while in high school.