So...
I was at a friend's shindig - which was more of a gathering, if Oz's definitions are correct, though there was no brie - a couple of years ago. There weren't a lot of people there, and I knew all of them. We watched some television, listened to some music, probably played a game or two; these are people an ex-coworker of mine described as my "basement buddies", people who would rather go out than stay in. There's also some drinking going down.
Around 2 in the morning, I was asleep. I was still a little drunk, and I'm a heavy sleeper as it is. Around 2 in the morning, I'm asleep on the couch, and I slowly come aware of the fact that one of the mutual (boy) friends is touching me. And not in mutual friendish places. Places like under my shirt, under my bra. And I am, strictly speaking, afraid. And ashamed. And silent. Being a deep sleeper, I can talk in my sleep. Being a deep sleeper, I oftentimes can't talk when I'm starting to wake up - even if I want to. Being afraid, I didn't really want to talk at all. I just wanted the touching to stop. I wanted this "mutual friend" to recognize the fact that I was most definitely asleep - and therefore not open to his touching. It went a little further - toward the pants further - and I did the cowardly thing by turning over. The touching didn't stop immediately, and all those things they tell you to do when you're in a situation like this weren't coming to mind. And I started to really wake up - and then he stopped and went into another room.
I stopped trusting Mutual Friend, stopped thinking of him as a Mutual Friend. But I also didn't name what had happened, didn't tell anyone else what had happened for a long time. I told my best friend about six months or so after that night. I never told my then-boyfriend. I've never told my friend, the person whose shindig it was and whose couch it was, because I have always been nervous about the reaction I'd get back. Even more than that, I'm not sure what reaction I want to get. I know what reaction I don't want. I know I don't want what happened to be minimized, to be laughed off or brushed off or apologized for in the "I'm sorry for Mutual Friend" way. But I don't necessarily want Mutual Friend to no longer be my friend's friend either. Because I don't want the guilt of saying, "Hey, Mutual Friend? Not a great guy" and having my friend believe me and lose a friend my friend likes quite a lot. I don't want that burden. I've never wanted that burden. And even more than that, I don't want to be seen as the problem, as the burden, as the person who brought up this thing that we could have all just as easily ignored and had life go on as it has always gone on.
And so, I go through, telling myself that it wasn't that bad (and it wasn't; it could have been a lot worse). I tell myself that it didn't affect me much - I just haven't spent the night with a group of people since. I tell myself that Mutual Friend was drunk, that I was drunk, that I should have stopped it, that I should have woken up and immediately said, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?" I tell myself that all it was was touching, that to make a big deal out of touching would be weak - would be taking something away from those people who have actually been assaulted; you know, the people who weren't gently molested - the people who were grabbed violently, the people who were subjected to Bad Things, the people who fought back. The people who were forced. I wasn't forced, not really. I was just asleep and didn't say no. And I try to make it seem like being asleep and not being awake and conscious for the start of the whole thing makes it less big of a deal, when in reality it makes it more troubling.
If someone had asked me a series of questions after That Night, without asking directly if I felt I was sexually assaulted, the answer would lead to me having been sexually assaulted. If someone asked me straight out if I had been sexually assaulted, I would have said no. Because he was a friend. Because I should have said something. Because I don't want to think of myself as a victim. Because I don't want to make other people think of this guy as someone capable of sexual assault. Because I don't want someone to look at me and pffaw me off, to say, "That? You're making a big deal out of that?"
And I don't want to make a big deal out of that. But I would also like to live in a world where sleeping on someone's couch doesn't lead to a foreign and unwanted hand down the pants.
So.
A year or so out, I can say that I was a victim of (a relatively minor (and I'm still qualifying it)) sexual assault. The day after? I couldn't. The day after that? I wouldn't have been able to. Now, I can.
And that's why sometimes it is important to accept what someone has described as the truth, and then possibly come to a different conclusion about what that was, legally and/or statistically, than how the victim would describe it. Because the reasons for how and why we describe things the way we do are vast. And sometimes, the way we describe them and the way we think of them are a way of coping with what has happened, and nothing more or less than that.
16 comments:
But I think even some questions that may seem straightforward on rape surveys often leave a lot of room for interpretation.
For example, take the question, "Have you ever been forced into having sex?" The definition of 'force' is vague enough to include verbal persuasion, which (typically) does not constitute rape. But if you use the term "physically forced," that does not capture the full scope of rape.
I suppose some may argue that verbal persuasion does constitute rape, but it would at least be controversial to include women who have been verbally coaxed -- without any clear threat of violence -- as rape victims.
The definition of 'force' is vague enough to include verbal persuasion, which (typically) does not constitute rape.
Really? You think a lot of women who have been coaxed into having sex when they may not have begun the night wanting to would remember those times and consider it to be forced sex? If that's the case, if verbal persuasion feels like force or is so insistent that it becomes equatable with force, then it may very well be rape - or a very troubling relationship.
I don't know if "a lot" of women would feel that way, but you don't necessarily need a lot of women to distort the sample. It's certainly possible that some women may see "force" as more than physical violence or the threat of physical violence.
I'm just suggesting that it's a problem with the language of the survey. We can never truly get a valid measure, which is why the results of rape stuides are all over the place. Just using legalese doesn't totally fix the language problem.
It's certainly possible that some women may see "force" as more than physical violence or the threat of physical violence.
I'm not denying that; what I'm asking is if women think they've been forced into having sex through verbal coercion, if their memories of their sexual experiences is one of force, doesn't it stand to reason that it might have been? That generally, being persuaded isn't something women categorize as being forced. That if women are asked about forced sex, they don't remember that time (or times) they weren't feeling it and they were seduced or talked into sex or whatever unless it felt like force. And it if felt like force, that maybe it was.
I'm just suggesting that it's a problem with the language of the survey. We can never truly get a valid measure, which is why the results of rape stuides are all over the place.
I'm not denying that. What I'm saying is that this isn't the only problem, and that your questions about why women may not categorize their experiences as rape and yet have those experiences categorized as such by researchers isn't so simple as inaccurate surveys - and that the surveys may not be scientifically accurate because the situations surrounding sexual assaults are generally quite complex, that sexual assaults are generally perpetrated by people known to the victims, and that those relationships tend to warp the victims' reaction to the event.
But more than that, I often wonder what the argument against rape statistics means to get at. If it isn't 1 in 4, if it isn't 1 in 6, if it were 1 in 12 or 1 in 33 (that last one being the stat on men who are victims of sexual assault and/or rape), does that really change the nature of the game? Is it really all that much easier to believer that one in twelve women will be the victims of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault? If it is 1 in 33, does that make the instances of rape less horrific or less like an epidemic? Because I don't think so. 1 in 4, 1 in 6, 1 in 12: the thing consistent with all of the numbers is that it is still too high.
I think you're really brave to write about this. And I think everything you described- how you were afraid of the reaction you would get, how you didn't think it was "that bad,"how you didn't want to take away from others who have been "actually assaulted,"- is an incredibly common way to feel about this. And I think what you went through is also very common. Maybe not the exact circumstances- but in the way that your trust and personal space was violated, and you took on that blame and that burden because you "should have done more to stop it." These things drive me absolutely nuts- seeing women blame themselves and the type of culture we live in that perpetuates this.
This is one of the big problems with stats on sexual assault. Does everyone who goes through something like this report it? Of course not. What about subway gropers? They don't get reported- they are just thought of as "part of the NYC scene," but they are still assaulting women and violating their privacy and personal space. So I think, personally, almost every stat on sexual assault is too low. Whether it's 1 in 4 or 1 in 12- they are not accurate and instances like this are so much more common than people think.
I remember going to a Take Back the Night rally in college. The leader opened the floor to anyone who wanted to share their experience with rape or sexual assault. And one person went up. And another. And another. On and on and on. So many women (and men!) had these stories, few ever reported, few ever told before this night, and I think if you went any college in the country, the same exact thing would happen.
Is it really all that much easier to believer that one in twelve women will be the victims of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault? If it is 1 in 33, does that make the instances of rape less horrific or less like an epidemic? Because I don't think so. 1 in 4, 1 in 6, 1 in 12: the thing consistent with all of the numbers is that it is still too high.
Yes.
Thank you, Emily. It means a lot to hear that.
These things drive me absolutely nuts- seeing women blame themselves and the type of culture we live in that perpetuates this.
Exactly. And - not to make it all about me here, but whatever - the surprising thing is that before this, I thought I'd be able to trumpet this and be like "MF is BAD!!!" But, no. Which just goes to show that no one knows how they're going to react, and telling women how they should react or that they're bad for not reacting in X-way.
The part of it that really gets me - and now I'm talking about others - is how women who do report are disbelieved in a majority of cases. But women who admit to being assaulted and don't report, for a variety of reasons, and then talk about their experiences sometimes years later are labelled as part of the problem. The "Well, how are you going to feel if he rapes again?" response gets to me, because way to lay on some guilt there for an action this woman - this victim - has no control over. It makes the victim seem responsible for not only her assault but the assault suffered by others, when, really, there's only one person responsible.
I haven’t responded yet because I haven’t known exactly what to say.
If someone had asked me a series of questions after That Night, without asking directly if I felt I was sexually assaulted, the answer would lead to me having been sexually assaulted. If someone asked me straight out if I had been sexually assaulted, I would have said no. Because he was a friend. Because I should have said something. Because I don't want to think of myself as a victim. Because I don't want to make other people think of this guy as someone capable of sexual assault. Because I don't want someone to look at me and pffaw me off, to say, "That? You're making a big deal out of that?"
I have an issue with claiming this incident as “assault”, because assault, to me, indicates violence, and there was no violence here. It was unwanted yes, and unwelcome, but not in a way that can be a reportable offense. I’m also not clear on how entirely it stopped—what do you mean by turning over being the cowardly thing, because you did not say anything? Or was it an acquiesce of sorts? When you woke up, did you make it clear, verbally or physically, that you wanted him to stop and go away?
I do not want to come across as prurient, I’m just trying to understand exactly what happened.
How much was the alcohol affecting your system (and his) at the time? Because that’s another angle of the story. And I understand exactly how you are feeling, since it isn’t a big a deal as it could have been, and yes, explaining and telling the details of this story to the friends in question becomes a huge issue. Everyone becomes defensive.
I also can see questions of how to tell him to stop, and worrying about waking up your other friends, causing a huge scene, can affect your immediate reaction, whether or not these questions were in your mind at the time. But these are very real fears, and outsiders can distort the incident—people can blow up or downplay what really happened, and that also affects your reaction. And yeah—how do you tell other people? Is it their business?
So, how do you classify the guy in question? The incident? I think it’s also common for the perspective on these incidents to change, on a personal and societal level. Not to make a fair comparison, but it’s like the morality of Roman Polanski’s actions, and how they were essentially laughed off in the 1970s but is considered a real crime today. You show that yourself, since you say now, two years later, you think of it differently.
Which just goes to show that no one knows how they're going to react, and telling women how they should react or that they're bad for not reacting in X-way.
Exactly. You may think we all your heart you will react in X way, but until you experience it for yourself, you don’t know. Situations are very rarely black and white.
I realize that your blog may not be the best place to ask such intimate questions. But I have a lot of questions and contradictory thoughts, and I’m trying to figure it out. I know this is something that has been bouncing around in your head for awhile. It was brave of you to post it. Thank you.
*in all your heart
I have an issue with claiming this incident as “assault”, because assault, to me, indicates violence, and there was no violence here.
Not to be flippant, but yeah, it was.
From this link:
http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/sexual-assault.cfm#a
"Sexual assault and abuse is any type of sexual activity that you do not agree to, including:
Inappropriate touching"
First one on the list.
And this is the kind of reaction I was worried about when posting this, the idea that I haven't thought long and hard about this, haven't done the reading about what constitutes as a sexual assault, and that I'm somehow overreacting by labeling it as such.
I'm not. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can admit that I have been sexually assaulted. And I trust that you don't mean to minimize that - but at the same time, you did.
what do you mean by turning over being the cowardly thing, because you did not say anything? Or was it an acquiesce of sorts? When you woke up, did you make it clear, verbally or physically, that you wanted him to stop and go away?
Not an acquiesce, because I turned away from the guy. But I feel it was cowardly because I didn't react more strongly, because I didn't say anything, because I didn't make it "clear", verbally, that I wanted him to stop. Because I didn't make it known I was even awake.
But then, I think - it wasn't my job to make it clear I wanted him to stop and go away. The fact that I was asleep should have done that for me already. It wasn't like we were messing around and I fell asleep. There was no messing before hand. There was me, in all my platonicness, and him.
How much was the alcohol affecting your system (and his) at the time?
To tell you the truth, I don't know or care how much alcohol was affecting his system at the time. I know that sleep was affecting my system more than the alcohol was, though alcohol does make me sleep a much deeper sleep (that'd be the hypoglycemia at work).
So, how do you classify the guy in question?
I don't. I should, I know. I should think about what to call him, really lay out the cards on the table. But I still don't really know what to call him or what to say.
I realize that your blog may not be the best place to ask such intimate questions.
Hey, when I do something like this, I go whole hog!
;-D
Well, actually still only half a hog, because I'm going to do that thing where I make a bunch of vague generalizations that could apply to any number of situations and any number of friends and living rooms without (hopefully) outing the friend and living room.
All this is to say, if you have questions (other than that half of the hog), I'm more than happy to answer them. Because if I weren't, I wouldn't be able to justify posting this in the first place.
Do you still have contact with Mutual Friend? Does he know what he did hurt you? Would you ever confront him?
I am asking because I think it is a necessary step for you to heal. You are only coming to grips with it now, 2 years later, so it may take some time, but Mutual Friend should know what they did to you.
Do you still have contact with Mutual Friend? Does he know what he did hurt you? Would you ever confront him?
Semi, no, and no.
It's selfish, but I don't want to have that conversation - ever. First, it seems like a lot of time has passed and it would be pretty awkward for the answer to "Do you remember that time - " to be "No". But more than that, even though I care and even though I felt ashamed and angry and unsettled, I don't think confronting him is necessarily the answer for me personally. I don't really care enough about him to have that be time out of my life.
Would you ever confront him?
There is another component to my not confronting him ever, too, and that is that I have no interest in hashing out why what happened happened. I have no interest in hearing his side of the story, what he thought was going on, his feelings and emotions, etc.
He may deserve that opportunity, he may not. But I'm not up to giving him that.
How awful! I'm amazed (though I probably shouldn't be) that you had the guts to post this to the big wide internets. I hope that you do confront him. He may not deserve to have his side of the story and you don't have to hear it, but he NEEDS to know that what he did was sexual assault and was enormously unacceptable.
You have no idea if he'd ever done that before to anyone else and he may think it's okay to do in the future. Like it or not, I think you need to tell him you know what he did and it was wrong. Then you can hang up.
I am glad that jjfs85 said that...he needs to know it's wrong or he will do it again.
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